Ok so I skipped a week.. Its been a long two weeks I tell you. Life has been rough. We moved into a three bedroom apartment. Yay right? Well the packing and moving has just been a nightmare. How the f*** did we get so much crap? I mean seriously the shit just seems never ending. Thats not the worst part. Here in lies the drama. In order to move we thought we needed extra money we did not have. I knew I (we) could afford the monthly rent but getting in was the problem. I guess for you to understand I should start at the beginning. When Sean came home I had about $450 in the bank and was about one month behind on the gas. He came home I got deathly sick and was in the hospital and bed ridden for about a week. Week I couldn't go back to work right away so we quickly ran through the savings two months later I was just starting going back to work but two months behind on everything. Sean of course did not have a job and completely disabled his check wouldn't start until July. Not much help there. So every penny went to try and hold on to our apartment. Let me very clear we gave notice and we were not evicted. Somehow in believing he was helping he explained everything(wrong and exaggerated) to his parents. Who blew everything out of proportion and suddenly we were being evicted and the kids being thrown out into the streets????And we needed money quick. Which with them is a joke. They are barely holding on. His mother spends more frivolously than I ever do.The bigger joke is what they were offering $150 bucks with all kinds of conditions yeah WTF is that going to do? We needed a deposit $600. I had to laugh. Help what my family does every freaking time!!! Like when my mother gave his mother $3000 to save her house TWICE. Yes we need to catch up on some bills but ceda is helping with the utilities and we got lucky the apartment we got actually needed some work and instead of a security deposit we do the repairs. Sean feels the need to over state and over exaggerate everything. Why? I don't know. He's funny that way he won't talk to me I mean really talk to me about what's going on but he can dream up all these horrible things and actually make people believe them.
The luck we had with the apartment was perfect (otherwise I would have had to ask my sister for money)and we were able to move in with out any help from anyone. Everything worked itself out with out having to borrow a penny. Like my mother I don't deal well with other people in my affairs. If I ask for your help ok then at least I owe you an explanation. However I didn't ask He did and she sure as hell didn't want to hear the truth. She tried to turn it all on me. Fuck that. So we are not talking once again oh well the pain is just unbearable lol... her make believe world is just too much for me. I know what my husband is she sure doesn't. I (as always) will figure out how to move this family forward. Jesus Christ my mother taught me to live in the real world.
So back to the present class has been rough too its getting harder and don't have much time to study with all thats going on. Have a test on Monday wish me luck.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Microbiology week1
So This is my first week. Two classes so far. First class on Monday went great our professor seems really nice and the class was very relaxed. Introductions, Niceties, and just a brief description of Microbiology. Went over words like Bacteria, viruses and molds. Easy right? Haha Yeah right.... I started reading the first two chapters as was assigned. I was like Whoa...more words that I haven't seen in years. My head is spinning what did I just do? I mean Its like oh yeah once a read it three times. I haven't even got all the way through chapter 1 and I am doubting my self. I don't have much time to get though this chapter and move on to the next because our first quiz is on Monday. Yikes. Ok No T.V for me study time!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tick Tock Tick Tock
One night in October of 2000 I received a phone call from my brother that my father has passed away. I called him a lier and hung up. He called back talked to my husband and my nightmare became reality. What was most unreal was that he wasn't sick or even had some kinda terminal disease. It was totally unexpected. I had just seem him hours earlier and he was laughing. Sitting in his back yard playing with his grandson Anthony and our dog King. Since we were visiting and I was pregnant my mom had cooked up a storm so I was helping her in the kitchen. Sean William was watching some game in the basement on the big screen. He married my mom in the fall of 1989. He was there for every moment of life since the day they were married and I became his daughter. Sure they fought what parents don't???
And boy was my Dad a character!! His laugh was more like a throaty smile you know the kind a sound you make when you are holding it in but that was him. He made no fan fair but boy you knew he was there! He could still dance a sasy tune and sip his Crown Royal. He didn't mince words. You never had to guess what what was on my Dad's mind. He would feed you, clothe you or give you a place to sleep if you need it. He could somehow tell you off in a way you didn't know you were being yelled at.Oh and before I was married when it was just me and Anthony my Dad would just kidnap my son!!! The first time I was completely scared shitless. I woke up no Anthony in his toddler bed. Walked into the Kitchen No Mom No Dad. I ran down stairs my brother was sound asleep but no Anthony. Woke him up and we looked everywhere. Did he walk out the house??? This was before everyone had a cell phone so I couldn't call them. I had no freakin clue where they were or if Anthony was with them. My heart was in my throat and all the what if's came to mind....What if he got out and was kidnapped? What if he was walking along got turned around and is lost???Anthony was barely 3yrs old. Rudy kept assuring me he was with Mom and Dad but I didn't that know for sure.
Then they came home bellies full. My Dad had taken them for Pancakes. Freaking Pancakes!!!!! Could they not have left a darn note? or take me with I might have wanted pancakes too! shish!
From then on they would come in and shake me awake to let me know they were taking him( I was forgotten..tear..lol.) it became a Sunday regular event since Anthony wanted his pancakes he got his pancakes!!!!!!
I may desperately miss my Dad but the one thing I am most grateful for is that when he went it was quiet and peaceful. He laid down in his bed next to his wife and just went to sleep.
Sean's Grandmother has not left us yet. She is hanging on. For what I don't know but she is a coma and hanging on. We went through this with his grandfather. He too hung on and suffered before passing on. I wonder what is keeping her here prolonging her suffering. People ( no names now )are being silly do you medicate her and make sure she is out of pain or lower the meds and pray she may wake out of this.As for me. Drug the woman keep her out of any possible pain. I mean what if she were to wake up and tell us what that she is in excruciating pain and give her some darn DRUGS! Her cancer is terminal. She will not get better.When she was coherent she was screaming in pain and asking for higher and higher levels of Drugs but at the same time making plans for when she would get better.
Is it selfish to ask for the lord to deliver her quickly when maybe she just isn't ready to let go? I don't know.
Life I feel is like a clock. A weird freaking clock.. Sometimes its like its in slow motion. I remember being a teen an so impatient to be older. Feeling like time was dragging. Doing a Dance when my ID was a over 21 one. Then the sucker just speed the hell up and everything breezes by. I blink and its years later and my kids are huge! I'm slowing down. I can't drink like I could before. Fat is sticking to my ass like never before and I got freaking gray hairs. GRAY HAIRS!!!!
I have to tell you that the Hospice staff is amazing. They are compassionate and attentive.
I'm not the Holy Holy type but I do ask our lord to deliver Wanda quickly and peacefully let her pain end. As she suffers so does my Mother-in-law and my husband. What hurts them hurts me and it is difficult to watch a once vibrant woman become simply a shell of her former self.
Tomorrow I have to pick up a book at Malcolm X it was out of stock. Sean will get his results of his placement test. I hope he did well so that he can start a class or two in Mini- session that will start September 20th. I just thought I'd share a few things that were jumbling around in my brains......
And boy was my Dad a character!! His laugh was more like a throaty smile you know the kind a sound you make when you are holding it in but that was him. He made no fan fair but boy you knew he was there! He could still dance a sasy tune and sip his Crown Royal. He didn't mince words. You never had to guess what what was on my Dad's mind. He would feed you, clothe you or give you a place to sleep if you need it. He could somehow tell you off in a way you didn't know you were being yelled at.Oh and before I was married when it was just me and Anthony my Dad would just kidnap my son!!! The first time I was completely scared shitless. I woke up no Anthony in his toddler bed. Walked into the Kitchen No Mom No Dad. I ran down stairs my brother was sound asleep but no Anthony. Woke him up and we looked everywhere. Did he walk out the house??? This was before everyone had a cell phone so I couldn't call them. I had no freakin clue where they were or if Anthony was with them. My heart was in my throat and all the what if's came to mind....What if he got out and was kidnapped? What if he was walking along got turned around and is lost???Anthony was barely 3yrs old. Rudy kept assuring me he was with Mom and Dad but I didn't that know for sure.
Then they came home bellies full. My Dad had taken them for Pancakes. Freaking Pancakes!!!!! Could they not have left a darn note? or take me with I might have wanted pancakes too! shish!
From then on they would come in and shake me awake to let me know they were taking him( I was forgotten..tear..lol.) it became a Sunday regular event since Anthony wanted his pancakes he got his pancakes!!!!!!
I may desperately miss my Dad but the one thing I am most grateful for is that when he went it was quiet and peaceful. He laid down in his bed next to his wife and just went to sleep.
Sean's Grandmother has not left us yet. She is hanging on. For what I don't know but she is a coma and hanging on. We went through this with his grandfather. He too hung on and suffered before passing on. I wonder what is keeping her here prolonging her suffering. People ( no names now )are being silly do you medicate her and make sure she is out of pain or lower the meds and pray she may wake out of this.As for me. Drug the woman keep her out of any possible pain. I mean what if she were to wake up and tell us what that she is in excruciating pain and give her some darn DRUGS! Her cancer is terminal. She will not get better.When she was coherent she was screaming in pain and asking for higher and higher levels of Drugs but at the same time making plans for when she would get better.
Is it selfish to ask for the lord to deliver her quickly when maybe she just isn't ready to let go? I don't know.
Life I feel is like a clock. A weird freaking clock.. Sometimes its like its in slow motion. I remember being a teen an so impatient to be older. Feeling like time was dragging. Doing a Dance when my ID was a over 21 one. Then the sucker just speed the hell up and everything breezes by. I blink and its years later and my kids are huge! I'm slowing down. I can't drink like I could before. Fat is sticking to my ass like never before and I got freaking gray hairs. GRAY HAIRS!!!!
I have to tell you that the Hospice staff is amazing. They are compassionate and attentive.
I'm not the Holy Holy type but I do ask our lord to deliver Wanda quickly and peacefully let her pain end. As she suffers so does my Mother-in-law and my husband. What hurts them hurts me and it is difficult to watch a once vibrant woman become simply a shell of her former self.
Tomorrow I have to pick up a book at Malcolm X it was out of stock. Sean will get his results of his placement test. I hope he did well so that he can start a class or two in Mini- session that will start September 20th. I just thought I'd share a few things that were jumbling around in my brains......
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Seriously long long freaking Day
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
This quote is at the top of my mind tonight. Many things are happening right now. I started this blog to First write down this journey to remind myself constantly of why I am doing this. The other being that I need to just plain keep things straight in my head. This morning we received the worst news my husbands grandmother has slipped into a coma. We of course went to visit and I have to tell you it is very difficult to see grandma WOW (WANDA O'CONNOR WOODS) so helpless. She is in hospice and being very well cared for but it weird not hearing her tell my husband to shut the hell up! lol. They have this banter relationship and anytime we would visit her he walk in the room and scream WANDA! She would kiss him and tell him off at the same time. lol. He is taking this very very hard. I know first hand that there are no words to comfort him. When I lost my Dad no one could say anything that helped no matter matter how thoughtful the words. They don't help.
We spent the morning at Malcolm X. I had an orientation for new students. I talked Sean into enrolling in school himself and taking a few classes.YAY!! So he was there to take a placement exam. I knew he was nervous because he hasn't been in school in like 20+yrs. this morning before we were even out of bed and was when we heard. I wonder if he was even able to concentrate during the testing. After we drove straight there.
Something is bothering me and for such a long time I took it as an insult. On more than one occasion our marriage has been compared to that of his grandparents Tom and Wanda. Tonight as Sean was trying to present his usual self.He went a little overboard with his banter that is usually only silly well tonight it was down right insulting and all directed at me. His aunt once again made the comment that our marriage was like here parents. I wonder why do they see me like her? I know our marriage is not perfect and Sean's back injury will keep him from ever holding a manual labor job again. To be honest Sean was never good at keeping jobs anyway. So I would work and he would take care of the home. Why is this not enough? He gets heavy heavy guilt trips from his parents. You know the whole he should be the man of the house crap. He gets down on himself. He gets stupid. He goes to jail. I get screwed. Is that what they are talking about being with a man that is or was I hope a mission of self-destruction? Is it that like her I know what I can freaking afford and live where I can happily. Shit I have awesome neighbors and the Dudes a the pizza place by me are the best best. On more than one occasion they have let me pay them later.
I don't understand while don't get me wrong Wanda is a awesome lady. She worked hard but never really left here comfort zone. Neither has a good hand full of her Children or Grandchildren. Sean William has been to Florida but they drove. The first time my husband got on a airplane he was 25yrs old and was going to mexico(first time he left the country). My husband hated going downtown with out me when we first got married. Everything looked alike to him and he would get turned around fast. Thankfully Now he knows it even better than I do. I know his parents know downtown. Why didn't Sean?
My kids are more well rounded more traveled than any other kids I know. All done with very little money by the way!With maybe the exception of my sisters and brother kids but they have more money than I do so they can afford to leave the country more than I can. But then My parents couldn't stay still. Like them I hate hate being home!I get my kids in the van take them to the beach, Indiana, Wisconsin etc etc .. I wish I could take them to Mexico. Ant's been there but the little ones haven't. Not yet anyway. ROAD TRIP and soon I hope!
Today a cousin told us that she will be a chaperon to 25 college students. To show them around Chicago. My husband was like cool yeah you get paid to show out of towner's the ropes. She then told us that only a few of them are from out of town. Most are from the suburbs and have never taken a subway.I was like say what? My kids especially my oldest who is only 14 can not only get around Chicago but the suburbs too. He has take the metra, pace, cta and knows all the expressways by heart. His dads(Jim and Sean) have been getting him ready to drive for awhile not only teaching him how to drive but by teaching him how to navigate the world. My little kids have been taught all their streets and can guide you home pretty much from anywhere in our neighborhood. Serena and Ant can guide you home from anywhere in Chicago. How do you not prepare your kids? Aghhhhhhhh....sigh...
Grandma WOW I will miss you! Compare me to you is no longer a insult. You have lived, loved, laughed, suffered, got a divorce after like 30yrs, gone with me to the boat and Won! The last time I saw you before today about two weeks ago you had enough gusto to banter with Sean. So the next time Someone says that we remind them of Tom and Wanda O'Connor. I will use your words and tell then to "SHUT THE HELL UP!"
Still I wonder though what were her dreams? What stopped her from ever leaving her comport Zone?
I am scared about starting school again. Scared I a may fail. Scared I may succeed. Scared of the changes in myself that will occur on this road I'm on. For years I have told my kids that they can do anything. So now I will take my own advice. This is what I want and even if I fail I will not go down with out a fight. I can do this!
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The 411 on me
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| Anthony |
 |
| Sean William and Serena |
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| Sean Micheal |
My husband Sean William and I have been through some rough times a fire in 2005 cost us everything. Only Serena's baby album survived. I got some others of Anthony from my mom but not many were taken of Sean and Connor by others so I only have one pic of each of them as babies. We have had many tests of faith and our Marriage has had its moments. Still we are all very devoted to each other and Sean being there when I registered waiting with me in lines all day was exactly what I needed I may have chickened out if he wasn't there to just well be there.
Most of my Days are pretty cool I only work a few hours Sun thu Fri from home at my computer. Saturdays are long I have to be in the office all darn day but the flexibly I have to work from my Laptop at the park if I need to is so worth it.
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| Connor Aiden |
I thought about going back to school every few years and first the kids were just too little. Then when they hit school their were to many commitments. After school programs and practices etc etc. But I kinda figured that if I don't stop and put myself first a little bit not only will I never achieve my dream of being a Nurse but with this economy I would be stuck in this go nowhere job. Hell sometimes as I sit at this computer I feel my ass spreading...lol.
Today we decided that we have to get the kids back on a regular schedule. We have been slacking with bedtimes because well its Summer. School however is starting on September 7th so Beginning Monday School years bedtimes are back. I told my boss today that I was starting school September 20 He looked at me and said "your gonna work for me, take care of 4 kids, cook, clean, shop, go to school and try and study. Not to mention fit in some loving for your husband Your Nuts!!!" He then added that he admired me for going for it. That felt kinda awesome. Gene(my boss) is not one to show emotion at all so it was kinda awkward but still felt really good. Actually everyone has been awesome congratulating me for going back to school. While I'm still a little scared I really feel sooooo much better and more positive than ever about this. I'm gonna be a Nurse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Well once I finish school...hehe
Friday, August 20, 2010
Omg I just signed up for school!
After catching the blogging bug from a friend(thanks Meena's Momma) I decided to start a blog of my own. Honestly I just need to put things down so that things don't get to mixed up. I am stating school again after 10 yrs wow just thinking about it makes my head spin. My kids are about to start school as well so now I am shopping for school supplies for 5 students. One High Schooler, Three in Elementary School and one College Student.
Today was weird I felt like a newbie going to each station to register, financial aid, class schedule, ID, and bookstore.When I was done I was starving and exhausted. I felt old which made me feel scared. My husband came with me and even he looked at me with questions in his eyes. He did his best to reassure me that I can do this. Still I sit here tonight wondering if I have the hutzpa to do this. I think the hardest part will be adjusting the family to me not being there 24/7 I mean I have always worked but now that I work from home I am there for everything. Mommy goes to softball games, cub scouts etc etc..and even though Daddy goes too Dad has never gone totally alone. Can I let go? I may not be perfect but I have to know everything and man I hate missing these things but I really really want this to this self proclaimed nosy body and control freak has to learn to let Dad figure things out so again I say Yikes!!
Today was weird I felt like a newbie going to each station to register, financial aid, class schedule, ID, and bookstore.When I was done I was starving and exhausted. I felt old which made me feel scared. My husband came with me and even he looked at me with questions in his eyes. He did his best to reassure me that I can do this. Still I sit here tonight wondering if I have the hutzpa to do this. I think the hardest part will be adjusting the family to me not being there 24/7 I mean I have always worked but now that I work from home I am there for everything. Mommy goes to softball games, cub scouts etc etc..and even though Daddy goes too Dad has never gone totally alone. Can I let go? I may not be perfect but I have to know everything and man I hate missing these things but I really really want this to this self proclaimed nosy body and control freak has to learn to let Dad figure things out so again I say Yikes!!
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