You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
This quote is at the top of my mind tonight. Many things are happening right now. I started this blog to First write down this journey to remind myself constantly of why I am doing this. The other being that I need to just plain keep things straight in my head. This morning we received the worst news my husbands grandmother has slipped into a coma. We of course went to visit and I have to tell you it is very difficult to see grandma WOW (WANDA O'CONNOR WOODS) so helpless. She is in hospice and being very well cared for but it weird not hearing her tell my husband to shut the hell up! lol. They have this banter relationship and anytime we would visit her he walk in the room and scream WANDA! She would kiss him and tell him off at the same time. lol. He is taking this very very hard. I know first hand that there are no words to comfort him. When I lost my Dad no one could say anything that helped no matter matter how thoughtful the words. They don't help.
We spent the morning at Malcolm X. I had an orientation for new students. I talked Sean into enrolling in school himself and taking a few classes.YAY!! So he was there to take a placement exam. I knew he was nervous because he hasn't been in school in like 20+yrs. this morning before we were even out of bed and was when we heard. I wonder if he was even able to concentrate during the testing. After we drove straight there.
Something is bothering me and for such a long time I took it as an insult. On more than one occasion our marriage has been compared to that of his grandparents Tom and Wanda. Tonight as Sean was trying to present his usual self.He went a little overboard with his banter that is usually only silly well tonight it was down right insulting and all directed at me. His aunt once again made the comment that our marriage was like here parents. I wonder why do they see me like her? I know our marriage is not perfect and Sean's back injury will keep him from ever holding a manual labor job again. To be honest Sean was never good at keeping jobs anyway. So I would work and he would take care of the home. Why is this not enough? He gets heavy heavy guilt trips from his parents. You know the whole he should be the man of the house crap. He gets down on himself. He gets stupid. He goes to jail. I get screwed. Is that what they are talking about being with a man that is or was I hope a mission of self-destruction? Is it that like her I know what I can freaking afford and live where I can happily. Shit I have awesome neighbors and the Dudes a the pizza place by me are the best best. On more than one occasion they have let me pay them later.
I don't understand while don't get me wrong Wanda is a awesome lady. She worked hard but never really left here comfort zone. Neither has a good hand full of her Children or Grandchildren. Sean William has been to Florida but they drove. The first time my husband got on a airplane he was 25yrs old and was going to mexico(first time he left the country). My husband hated going downtown with out me when we first got married. Everything looked alike to him and he would get turned around fast. Thankfully Now he knows it even better than I do. I know his parents know downtown. Why didn't Sean?
My kids are more well rounded more traveled than any other kids I know. All done with very little money by the way!With maybe the exception of my sisters and brother kids but they have more money than I do so they can afford to leave the country more than I can. But then My parents couldn't stay still. Like them I hate hate being home!I get my kids in the van take them to the beach, Indiana, Wisconsin etc etc .. I wish I could take them to Mexico. Ant's been there but the little ones haven't. Not yet anyway. ROAD TRIP and soon I hope!
Today a cousin told us that she will be a chaperon to 25 college students. To show them around Chicago. My husband was like cool yeah you get paid to show out of towner's the ropes. She then told us that only a few of them are from out of town. Most are from the suburbs and have never taken a subway.I was like say what? My kids especially my oldest who is only 14 can not only get around Chicago but the suburbs too. He has take the metra, pace, cta and knows all the expressways by heart. His dads(Jim and Sean) have been getting him ready to drive for awhile not only teaching him how to drive but by teaching him how to navigate the world. My little kids have been taught all their streets and can guide you home pretty much from anywhere in our neighborhood. Serena and Ant can guide you home from anywhere in Chicago. How do you not prepare your kids? Aghhhhhhhh....sigh...
Grandma WOW I will miss you! Compare me to you is no longer a insult. You have lived, loved, laughed, suffered, got a divorce after like 30yrs, gone with me to the boat and Won! The last time I saw you before today about two weeks ago you had enough gusto to banter with Sean. So the next time Someone says that we remind them of Tom and Wanda O'Connor. I will use your words and tell then to "SHUT THE HELL UP!"
Still I wonder though what were her dreams? What stopped her from ever leaving her comport Zone?
I am scared about starting school again. Scared I a may fail. Scared I may succeed. Scared of the changes in myself that will occur on this road I'm on. For years I have told my kids that they can do anything. So now I will take my own advice. This is what I want and even if I fail I will not go down with out a fight. I can do this!
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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